I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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