I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Panties = found
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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