I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
