I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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