Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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