The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
