Where did you get a picture of my penis
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
