I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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