the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
