ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
