he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
