Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
