Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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