Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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