after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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