I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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