The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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