God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
