I wish I could punch you in the face.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
