We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
