another moral hangover. fuck.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
