Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
