My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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