Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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