I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
