Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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