as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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