Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
