i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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