u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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