i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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