why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
