you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going