I can feel you judging me through the phone.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
