Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
