She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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