do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
