im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
