Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
