How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
