Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
