I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
