True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
