I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
