God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
