im drinking this country out of the recession.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
