your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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