Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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