I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
