Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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