i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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