y did u give ur computer a hand job?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
