guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
