Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
