this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
