just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
