there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
