when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
wow bdsm is so cute
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
